Thursday, September 19, 2013

Other Voices: The Dope Diaries


Three marijuana retail stores will be permitted in San Juan County, one each on Orcas, San Juan and Lopez islands, under regulations proposed Sept. 4 by the Washington State Liquor Control Board to implement Initiative 502, which legalizes marijuana production, processing and retailing. The Islands Weekly
Dear Mom and Dad,

You’re probably surprised getting a letter from me and wonder what in the world could be important enough for me to write to you and you’re right, there is something that’s important. My friend Jimmy, you know him—he was the one in the third grade who made those noises with his hand in his armpit which made us kids laugh and want to be like Jimmy. Well, we were doing some heavy talking and, well, maybe it’s best to start from the beginning. You’ve probably heard about how everyone’s going to be able to buy marijuana and not worry about the cops any more, haven’t you? Well, that’s going to change a lot of things and change some of the ways Jimmy is making his living so we’ve been talking about going into business together. We were sitting around and, uh, well, maybe it was Jimmy or maybe it was me who thought that, no, maybe it was me, yeah because I was the one who said we knew a lot of people and where were they going to get their dope and who could they trust. Anyway, it doesn’t matter if it was my idea or Jimmy’s. Not really, I guess. But maybe it was his idea first. Anyway, the idea was we could go into business together and sell marijuana, totally legal now, because Jimmy knew all the ins and outs of the business and we knew a lot of guys, really a lot of guys, who would buy from us. I mean there’s the guy who works on your truck, dad, and the guy who cuts your hair, mom, and the nice lady at the Fred Meyer who always asks about grandma, I mean you’d be surprised to know how many customers we’d have.  This isn’t any back room type of store we’re thinking about. We’re thinking more like those espresso places with dark wood and comfy chairs and clean bathrooms where people come to meet friends, smoke some, take a stash home for their family or friends. And racks and shelves of munchies—chips and candies and nuts— this is where I get really excited because this is the part I really know a lot about., like the best kind of bean dip to go with the Tostitos and even the kind  of organic cashews and celery the coop kind of people buy. I know because I watched this one lady at a party talk on and on about the organic vegetable section at Whole Foods while she had a drop of avocado dip on the front of her blouse and I wondered how long it had been there and how long during the party it would be there but she was gone when I came back to check or maybe she was in the bathroom or somewhere else. Now Jimmy may know a lot more about whether the pot shipment is as good as he’s been told by his supplier and a lot more about the right kind of handguns to use (don’t worry, mom, I don’t touch that stuff) but when it comes to the munchies, I’m the man. I haven’t told Jimmy but I’m telling you that I’ve been working on an idea that is a killer. You know those hot dog warmers you see in movie theaters and the 7-11, the kind where the hot dog is speared on to a spindle that goes around and around like a ferris wheel? If you’re like me, you’ve probably watched those hot dogs go around and around. Well, imagine if every time they go around the hot dogs get dipped in soft cheese and when you get one of these hot dogs it’s warm and covered with warm soft cheese. That would be awesome, something to die for, don’t you think? I still have to figure out how to get the hot dogs dipped into the cheese every time it comes around but something like this would make our store famous. People who weren’t even buying marijuana would come to watch the hot dogs go around and around being dipped into cheese, sort of like how people watch that salt water toffee being pulled by the machine at the store. You know the one I’m talking about, don’t you? Well, now you’re probably really wondering why I am writing this letter. It’s because Jimmy and I are going to be partners but we need to have some money to apply for one of the licenses to open a store and show we could start a business. Of course, it would be a loan and I’d pay you back as soon as the store started making some money, which I think would be pretty quick. I know you’ve been concerned about me and my future and I thought this would be a good opportunity to show you that I do think about my future. I think my opening a store to legally selling marijuana would have some personal benefits to our entire family because the stuff is medicinal and I’m sure you and dad will need it some day and you can be sure that I’ll give you a big discount. Also, our store would be a lot safer place for little sis to get her stash, much safer than the way she now deals with that Jose or Hue or whomever she hangs out with after middle school. And, finally, at my age, it would be time to move out of your basement and you could rent it out and make some money which would be like not having loaned me the money at all. This would be a good deal all around, don’t you think?

Your dear son, Johnny.

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